The Best Advice I Ever Heard

Watch where you are going so that you won’t fall down. (My husband) You should stop dyeing your hair. (Also my husband) Do yoga. (Laura) Don’t say what you are supposed to say. (Evan) Never date a married man. (My dad) It’s better to be alone than surrounded by assholes. (Also my dad) Whenever your professor suggests getting naked, say no. (Again, my dad) Never enter into a financial arrangement with a man you aren’t married to. (Dad.) Iron your shirts for work. (My mom) Write what you know. (Also my mom) Don’t watch Gilligan’s Island. It’s too stupid to watch….

The Worst Advice I’ve Ever Heard

In honor of giving up advice for Lent, here is a list of the worst advice I’ve ever heard: You should lose weight. You would be really pretty if you lost weight. (A grown man I worked with the summer I was 17.) You should be stricter with your students. (A former colleague who was let go for getting high during school hours. At school.) You should establish firm consequences for your students. (A former boss who freaked out and suspended one of my best students the one day she subbed for me.) That brown skirt makes for a good…

I’m giving up giving advice for Lent

I’m giving up giving advice for Lent starting now, I announced to my class yesterday. I’m also giving up sharing my opinions, especially at work but also in general. My students were appalled. How are you going to not share your opinions? How are you going to not give advice? That’s basically your whole job, Mrs. Wanket. Giving us advice. Telling us your opinions. You’ve just proven to me that I am correct in my chosen Lenten sacrifice, I said. One girl protested. What if someone asks for your advice? Even more reason to keep my mouth shut. Okay, but…

Go Big on New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been hip lately to say “I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I’m cool with the way I am.” I was going to do the same thing. I was on Twitter ready to Tweet “My 2016 resolution: Breathe.” The next thing I knew, this happened:   I'm starting my New Year's Resolutions right now. 1: Write three novels. — Maureen O'Leary Wank (@Maureenow) December 29, 2015 Then I just went crazy: 2: Write 12 short stories. All of them scary. — Maureen O'Leary Wank (@Maureenow) December 29, 2015 3: Lose fifty pounds. Then gain it back. As muscle. — Maureen O'Leary…

Coming Soon: 31 Days of Advice

Buy a notebook. They have college ruled composition notebooks on sale right now at Office Depot for 25 cents.  I’m talking twenty-five pennies for the best possible composition notebook experience money can buy. You’ll need that notebook for the month of January when I will be embarking on a journey of 31 Days of Advice.  I’m going to be giving myself one life-improving, self-helping, health-bettering, inner peace-enhancing piece of advice a day every day in January. Along with these mini-bites of advice, I will be offering journal prompts in case anyone feels like listening in as I talk to myself…