I Am Ultra Conservative

This morning at a stoplight I got caught behind a white truck with two stickers on the back window:

T****. Make America Great Again.


These stickers side by side were such an oxymoron, emphasis on moron, that I decided that I’m taking the word conservative back from the conservatives.

I am so conservative, I am Ultra Conservative.

My students know never to begin an essay with a dictionary definition in my class, but school is out for the summer so here are some meanings of my new favorite word “conservative”:

  1. holding to traditional attitudes and values and cautious about change or innovation, typically in relation to politics or religion.
  2. sober and conventional.
  3. cautious.
There was nothing truly conservative about the white truck man’s advertised sentiments. In fact, in my liberal views and behaviors, I am way more conservative than our president of these United States of America and his followers.

For example:

I hold to the traditional attitude that people are responsible for what they owe. I pay my bills, and when I hire someone for a task, I pay that person fairly for their work so that they can make a living wage.

When in my adherence to my traditional values I wanted a religious education for my children, I paid for it myself and did not expect the government to help me with that with a voucher because I am not a freeloader.

I take care of my community because I have an old-fashioned sense of responsibility to contribute to my fellow citizens. I meet my responsibilities because I am not a freeloader who believes that anything I have achieved has been solely because of my own efforts. My God, the road white truck man and I were stopped on was built through collective resources. I didn’t buy the asphalt beneath our tires at the store and smush it on the road with my bare hands and neither did he, the freeloader.

I am conservative because I am cautious about the fact that the scientific process is not a tooth fairy to be believed in or not believed in. I exercise responsible behavior towards conserving my planet and its resources because I am not an idiot and also I am old-fashioned about not destroying Earth.

I am conservative because of my non-innovative belief that families are important and that children should not be stolen from their parents.

I am conservative because I believe that when one group of people does harm to or makes profit off of the unpaid labor of another, reparations should be made. This is Old Testament-level conservativism right here. Pay what is owed.

I am conservative because in deference to the unchanging nature of cause and effect, I believe that a citizenry with access to free education and healthcare would be a superior contributor to a strong economy than one that does not.

I’m so interested in conserving human life that I even have the incredibly narrow-minded idea that guns shouldn’t go to people who are terrorists and murderers.

And I am much too sober and cautious to tell lies to manipulate people and gain power, nor do I believe liars. Telling lies and believing lies are wildly irresponsible activities.

There is nothing conservative about the so-called conservatives. They should call themselves something else.

For the sake of accuracy, the so-called traditional conservative politicians should rename themselves the Irregular Careless. At least then in that one small way they’d be telling the truth.

One Comment

  1. Oh Maureen!! Once again you have Nailed it!! I Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

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